Reminder

I don’t need to be worrying myself with other people – I have to focus on myself and getting a first.

I don’t need to be worrying myself with other people – they aren’t worrying about me. They are focusing on themselves and they don’t care what I have to say or how I am. They haven’t sent you anything.

I don’t need to be worrying myself with other people – it will only make me upset and lose faith in myself which I can’t afford to do.

I don;t need to be worrying myself with other people – I just don’t have the time.

 

Being More Self-Aware

I have started a new therapy and we are focusing  on anxiety, which causes me great issues at present.

We are trying to focus on the triggers of my negative thinking and I have realised a major one is my phone. I often jump to conclusions as to what other people’s motives are, their thoughts of me etc, and this is worsened over messaging, as intentions are often unclear. This makes me very needy and very insecure and overall, just a bad person to be around.

I have attempted many times to stop using my phone, but always find myself coming back to it before the day is even up. So, in order to really be successful at this, I am deciding to track it, on here; my trusted online diary.

I am keeping a stopwatch to see how long I’ve been not using it, and will come on here, when I feel the need to check it.

My first aim will be 72 hours, of which I am currently not even 1 percent through.

So wish me luck.

You can do it.

You can do it, you are strong. You are intelligent and determined.

I need to keep saying this to myself because it’s true.

Everything is about mindset. I got a U in my maths mock (44%) but I know I’m fantastic at maths. All it takes is constant practice. Which is pretty easy to do! I can do it, I’m strong. I’m intelligent and determined.

Going to eat now because it’s necessary for my brain and to keep me as strong as I know I am.

This is a different post to usual. When I got my test back, I was upset. I gave myself time to feel that to, to worry and to freak out.

But I then I took a step back and looked at the bigger picture; I’m a whizz maths, I always have been. All I needed was more practice. I’ve done it before so I can most certainly do it again.

The issue now is telling my parents, who won’t take it as lightly as I have.

The Truth

I’m drinking as I’m writing this so, bear with me.

I need to die. No one will understand if I tell them but I can’t live anymore, I just can’t. Maybe if I was someone else, I could bear this shitty, shitty world. But not being me.

I went to Angel the other day. I wanted to but something was stopping me. Probably the body’s instinctive reflexes to keep yourself alive? I decided I would need to be drunk.

In terms of eating, I’m eating because I want to do well in my exams. Yes, I’ve finally found something that’s more important to me than being thin. But it’s been so hard lately. What with my brother’s huge weight loss and my increasing size.

Last year, you needed around 71 % to get an A overall in Chemistry and 67% for an A in Biology. I think I can do that, I’m averaging at 75% in both subjects now. But I was averaging well in Chemistry last year but I got 46% in the actual thing :/ I don’t know I don’t know. Fuck. I hate not knowing.. This is what I hate. Everything is so uncertain with me. Dying would be certain.

Another thing that’s lead me to this situation is that people fuck. me. up. And I can’t deal with any more heartbreak, any more pain. But I can’t just live alone. I’m not cold person, I can’t easily cut myself off from society, that causes me pain too.

I’ve been in this place many a time, as you may have seen, if you follow my blog at all. And, I regret that I didn’t go through with it, or didn’t take more pills. I held out hope that, maybe, just maybe, things might get better. But, they never do.

So, the next question is, when? It’s gonna fuck up my family big time. I’m fully aware of that. But soon enough they’ll feel a weight lifted off their shoulders and realise I was a burden. And they’ll be able to live their lives without me fucking everything up. I think Jan the 3rd is a good day. After school.

I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry to anyone I initially hurt. But think about how much pain I’m going through right now, and how much more I will go through being alive. This is the best option.

Mum, Dad, if you ever see this (which I damn well hope you don’t) I’m sorry for being such a whiny brat. You were amazing parents and didn’t deserve any of the crap I gave you. You did everything for me, and I thank you so much for that. I’m sorry you had to waste your energy on me. You have two wonderful sons. They’ll turn out much better than I ever would have and you’ll see how fantastic you guys are.

Fuck, I really wish it didn’t have to come to this. I don’t want to hurt my parents but, I guess the whole point of this is to ease them, and me. There just isn’t any other way.

Finally, I want to apologise to my younger self. You deserved so much better than this, than what I turned you into. If I’ve let anyone down, it’s you. I know that if I keep living, I’ll just keep letting you down and I don’t wanna do that to you, so I’m stopping now before I do any more damage. I admire you so much. I’m so so sorry.

I’m going to go to sleep now, the alcohol feels funny with all the food inside me and I think I’ve said everything I wanted to say.

Bye guys. Thanks for all your support x

 

 

Food

I’ve been at the same weight for quite a few months now. And I think I know why.

The past week I’ve really been focusing on losing weight and I’ve discovered that, once you do that, the thought of food is absolutely repulsive and contradictory to all your goals and ambitious. It is getting in the way of your happiness. And once you start believing that, cutting down on intake becomes marvellously easy and you stop being hungry and stop craving things.

I was slightly hungover after I went to a party on Friday and when I’m hungover, I have no appetite. I didn’t think of food at all and found it hard to eat, because I was just not hungry. Three days later, my appetite is slightly coming back but now, food repulses me. I don’t see it as a comfort – the complete opposite, in fact.

I’m going back to school tomorrow, so that means much more exercise and much less eating. I’m hoping that this, combined with my new food repulsion, will help me get down to that weight that I feel much more comfortable at, after being the same for so long.

Hope you are all well.

To be hollow

I wish I was as empty as I feel, but, alas, my stomach is full with the poison that makes me hate myself. Food.

I want to disappear.I’m disgusting. I’m gross. I want to lose weight more than anything else. I know I can’t do anything else.

The less weight I have, the less problems I have and the less lonely I feel.

Realising what i already knew

I realised again that people are horrible.

I mean I knew this already and I keep realising this over and over again but it’s forgetting that’s the problem.

I’m nice to everyone. I just try to be a decent person but people just throw it back in my face. I’m sick and tired of letting my guard down and letting people in and nurturing them and trying to care when they just don’t appreciate anything I do.

Karma doesn’t exist. Bad people have loads of friends, really supportive families, do really well in life and tend to be really really happy. Good people don’t get what they deserve either. Why waste my time giving my all ?

So it’s time to focus on myself. I have removed all the social Media apps from my phone and downloaded calorie tracking apps instead.

It’s me time now.

Appreciation

I was reading my blog from this time last year and I really wasn’t appreciating the good things in my love. Instead, I was focusing way too much on the bad. And that makes the good literally disappear. Your brain is powerful and perspective is everything.

It was a mistake to be so negative so I must learn from that. So I will write the things I’m grateful for and happy about. I have a happy book and I will use that.

I’m also eating waaay too much and not exercising at all. My weight isn’t changing though, which just shows how low I could go if I ate less and exercised more. So I’m going to start recording that in here. Every day.

 

people are poison

you need to lose more weight and gain better grades

love is overrated

it’s always good at the start but people aren’t as in love with you as you are with them; have you seen yourself?

fuck everyone else. let them come to you, if they want to. if they don’t, they’re not worth ur time. ur time needs to be spent on bettering yourself.