Results & Anniversaries

So Results Day was yesterday and the anniversary of my blog, which is now three years old!, was on the fifteenth.

Comparing where I was three years ago to where I am now is quite interesting. Then, I was consumed by anorexia and entering Year 10, my first gcse year. A few months before I started the blog was the first time I tried to kill myself. That summer was just awful. The whole year before that was just as bad. I really wasn’t having a good life. I started off year 10 thinking that I would be by myself and not minding that because it meant I could work more. But year 10 was full of such wonderful thing that I never would have imagined happening when I was sitting, as I am now, writing my blog for the very first time. I made some wonderful friends and relationships that I still cherish now. My love of acting grew so much and I got into the National Youth Theatre, which was amazing. And thinking about that really has filled me with hope.

Of course, I am starting the year very focused. I have accepted my AS results and I know exactly what I need to do and how I need to be, which was very similar to how I was back then. But the thought of there being such wonderful things round the corner is urging me to keep going.

I am insanely motivated and will do everything I can to do well this year. I know what works and I am ready to face the challenges and setbacks I will inevitably have, but I am also looking forward to positive outcomes and surprises.

I am working all hours of the day now to prepare myself for this exam on the 1st of September. I need to keep my calm and not panic and the more prepared I am, the less nervous I will feel. I can do this. And i’m going to prove to myself and everyone else that I can. So it’s full steam ahead!

 

thoughts

need to get em all out

i’m really sad because i just felt all the rejection i’ve ever felt from everyone hit me all over again at once

it’s 2 am and everyone is probably asleep

not that i wanna talk to anyone

i wanna push everyone away starting now

people hurt me so bad

and get in my way

i know i’m horrible

i don’t expect people to like me

but anyway

this stops now

no more people

19 hours

It’s all going to be finished very soon and, whilst that should give me relief, I feel guilty. I feel I have not done enough and, now that it’s done, there’s nothing I can do and that frightens me. Everyone I know is expecting me to do well. Worst case scenario, I’ve got B in English, D for Biology, D for Chemistry and C for Maths. Best case scenario, I’ve got A in English, C for Bio and C for Chem and C for Maths. But even the best case scenario is so much worse than what I wanted, and what I have the potential to get – 4 As.

My friend told me stop feeling sorry for myself. Other friends are laughing at me when I tell them my predictions and tell me I’m going to get 4 As. I had a huge row with my mum in which she told me she doesn’t think I’m going to get 4 As. My teachers are expecting me to get at least AABB.

No one’s taking me seriously. I’m being so invalidated. I mean apart from a couple of my teachers, whom I’ve discussed this with. But the people who matter to me aren’t treating me right and it’s pissing me off.

I’ve given up on feeding myself for exams’ sake and so I’m back to losing weight. I weighed myself at the start of the week and I was 47 kilos and I weighed myself this morning and I was 45, which makes me ecstatic! I’m honestly so happy, and I haven’t been honestly happy in a while so that’s really great. I’d forgotten what it felt like to be this weight. And now I know I’m capable of losing, I’m gonna push for more. Only problem is, I have a week’s break from school next week and I know I’m going to have to eat a lot to keep up appearances.

But when I get back to school, I’m going to start exercising. And eating way less.

I’m going to start off doing 3.2 miles on tuesdays and thursdays, and I’ll do that for a week. Then I’ll do 3.2 miles on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays for a week. Then I’ll do 3.2  Monday – Friday. Then I’ll do 6.4 miles Tuesdays and Thursdays, whilst still doing 3.2 on the others. Then I’ll do 6.4 Monday-Friday. I want to build it up so I get used to it. And also to stop me from plateauing and bingeing. Sounds like a plan I can’t wait to start 🙂

Positive Thinking -123hours

I’m gonna be done in a week.

I am going to be finished with my AS exams in a week.

Everything I’ve been working for will be over.

No stress. Nothing.

I can see all my friends.

I can take time to be with people who can make me happy.

I can finally properly start losing weight again!

I need to keep that in mind.

5 days. 123 hours. 1,2,3. Baby steps. I’m going to finish this biology paper, do the other one, mark them then write down my errors. I’m going to eat with my family. Then I’m going to go over all my errors and make sure I get them right. I am then going to do a maths paper, mark it and go over my errors. I can then do paper 1 and paper 2 of last year’s chemistry spec, mark them and note my errors. Once I’ve done that, I can shower and sleep.

That’s it. It’s doable. I can do it.

Wednesday 31st of May, Happy Moment #2

I saw two of my friends at school. They’re a couple but it’s not awkward to hang out as a three, in fact, it’s great. We had lunch together and decided to have a spontaneous Wednesday afternoon MDMA adventure. Again, the weather has been truly beautiful so it was a perfect day to do it. It’s almost better when these things are spontaneous. The museum trip was too. It feels more fun. You feel like a kid again.

So we met up with another guy, who is great fun, took the drugs and got on the bus. I swear to god when I say I felt at one with the bus. I know that sounds really hippie but I don’t care. I kind of like that love and peace culture. It’s what I wish my life was like. We were all smiling like mad, but this wasn’t even the drugs. It was just being together. We got off at a park and as we were walking we could see the edge of the park and it felt endless. Like when you look into the horizon and, no matter, how far you try to reach it, you never do. It was amazing and dream-like. And the drugs hadn’t even kicked in yet. They took about an hour but when they did, it was great. I was so happy, we all were. It was more of a sedative high, at first, so we were all just lying on each other, appreciating the beauty of ourselves, each other and our surroundings.

I rang a friend whom I haven’t seen since January. It was so good to catch up, to hear her voice, to tell her how I felt and to hear her tell me how much she had missed me. Lovely. Beautiful. Wholesome. Pure.

I then rang my ex (who am I now back together with by the way). I had texted her saying like how do you feel etc and we agreed that we should keep going. I rang her and she gave me a proper explanation. She felt she couldn’t her love anyone because she never has. She felt I deserved someone who gave as much as I do. She felt she couldn’t be that person. But she said she had missed me and did want to give it another try.

I’m glad I had that conversation but, in all honesty, I wish I had just agreed with her, instead of persuading her to date me again. She is not very expressive and I need someone who is. I’m so needy; I need affection. So it won’t work. And I know that now so when it does fall to pieces, I’ll be okay. I feel like I’ve matured in that sense.

We said goodbye to the other friend. And went to meet another couple. Wow this is gonna be a long story because so much more happened, so I’ll some it up.

We sat in a park and expressed love for one another. We went to my friend’s house and talked a lot. We met a friend of my friend at like 3am? and smoked some weed. It seemed to bring back the MDMA and I literally had a trip. My sight and hearing just went crazy I can’t even explain it. Colours were inverting, I felt like I was hearing people talk like I was listening outside a room and they were in a room. It was crazy, too intense because I just wasnt prepared and we were in some dark alley way. I want to do it again but maybe in a saferplace. Or just not in the dark. Then we went back into London.

My god, Trafalgar Square at 4am? I have no words. These streets are usually packed with thousands of people, rushing around, music playing noise everywhere. When it’s just you, and a couple of some really great friends, it is magical. You are gods. You own the world. You can do anything. Then I thought it couldn’t get better and it did.

Waterloo Bridge, 4:30 am. Watching the sun carelessly rise over the London Eye and Big Ben. That’s what I want in my life. Every single morning. Fuck. I can’t even describe it. It’s not worthy of anything I say.

Magical. Fucking. Magical.

Friday 26th of May, Happy Moment #1

I’ve been with this group of friends for about three months. Most people had made friends ages ago, but I was stubborn and refused to talk to people. I didn’t trust them – I presumed that everyone had a bad side and I would be hurt. But these people… I haven’t known them for that long, some of them I have barely hung out with or spoken to but they have such kindred spirits. They thrive in their passions and they want the best for others. Yes, they have their demons, but they make it through and they help me when I am low – if I tell them, that is. It’s weird how I have such strong connections with people I have almost just met.

On this day, we were feeling rather down and so we decided to go to a museum in central London. The weather has been great for ages, almost too hot. But I appreciate it so much. It makes me feel young again. Everything looks so beautiful, there’s flowers scattered on the grass, trees full of leaves, cherry blossoms. It’s almost as if God is encouraging me to grow, and telling me that it is okay to do so.

The sky was blue and cloudless, there were people buzzing around everywhere and the museum looked idyllic. I kept thinking to myself how lucky we are to live in London. It’s practically the centre of the world and it is such an amazing place.

It was a wonderful day. We got drunk and my friends gave me a tour of Stuart Britain –  a period of history they had been studying and had fallen in love with – and we almost got kicked out. We went to a beautiful park. It was truly lovely.

 

Happiness

Happiness is rare for me.

I know I would usually come to this blog, or my journal, when I was sad, and give an update on all the new problems that were troubling me.

But I don’t want to do that anymore. I’m sick of recounting the events of my illness, I know what that’s like. It’s boring and repetitive. And I’m sure you all are sick of it too. Every post has been “Oh, I’m fat. I have to get back in the game.” or “Oh, I need to push everyone away.” or “Oh, I can’t do this anymore.” We know that, and we don’t care.

I don’t want this to be about dwelling and sadness. I don’t want to look back on this and feel pain. I don’t want other people to read this and pity me.

I want to reminisce. I want to smile. I want to be flooded with endorphins. I want this to be an expression of gratitude to those ever-so-rare happy moments. Because happy moments are rare for me. It’s sad to think that but because I am so consumed by my illness, when happy moments come, they are so amazing.

So I must do my best to record them. And starting from today, that’s what I’m going to do.

Struggling

(I know I am very privileged – my parents are alive and still together, I go to a good school, I am fed and clothed and have a roof to sleep under etc etc. But sometimes, mental illness doesn’t let you see it that way.)

Life is a struggle right now. Waking up, getting out of bed, eating, revising… You know, basic tasks. Everything has become so hard. No motivation. No drive. And it’s not fair because I know I can do well but I won’t at this rate and I’m worried for my future self.

Life is a struggle right now. And everyone else seems fine. They seem so happy with life and are doing so well in their exams. They have friends to laugh with and smiles on their faces.

I’m crying less than I was when everything turned bad. But the thoughts are still there.

Thoughts telling me I need to kill myself. To overdose. MDMA would be such a horrible way to go – and an obvious one too – as there would be panic attacks and seizures as my heart rate accelerates and I die. So I was thinking something like morphine or a combination of a depressant and alcohol. I have enough alcohol to overdose on, so I could just use that. That would be more discreet, past a certain point it would knock me out and I would die.

It’s tough thinking like this all the time. How can I function when my brain is constantly thinking of ways to die? Why should I do anything that will help me progress if i’m just going to kill myself?

I have no one to talk to, which is my fault. I feel hopeless and helpless. I’m going into school tomorrow, maybe that will help? Maybe I should go in every day, because there are less distractions there. Everyone is working so you feel bad if you’re not.

I don’t know. I just know that I hope this stops soon.

Leaving

It’s been exactly 11 weeks since I last posted. I forgot about this website entirely. Forgot that, all along, I did have an outlet. I’m an open person but I also prefer to keep people pushed away. Which doesn’t really work out because when I’m low, I need to have someone to talk to, but if I’ve pushed everyone away, I have no one so I just get lower. So I really did need an outlet.

I haven’t really had time to post. I’ve been really focused on my exams. They’re the only thing that matters right now.

Things have happened – of course they have; this is my messy life and things happen every single day so in 77 days, shit does definitely change. I wish none of it had happened. I think letting people in, making friends and that, is just awful for someone like me. Someone as anxiety-ridden and needy. Because, in my mind, everyone hates me. And so if I make connections, that will only hurt more. Because I will love them, and they will “hate” me.

I made a connection with someone. I had known her for about 2 months and I had liked her. She was friends with a lot of very nice people I had known from school. It was at party when I was drunk/high that I told her that I liked her, she said she felt the same and we officially started dating. Again, I’m very anxious and give a hell of a lot to my close friendships/relationships. She is a lot less emotional/expressive and so I got very anxious about it. But I thought it might just be because it was exam season and she was stressed so I wanted to wait until exams were over before I did anything radical – like break up with her.

Just two days ago, I had my chemistry AS Level exam. I’ve been having exams for about 2 weeks now and they finish in two weeks. They’ve all been quite good apart from this Chemistry one. It was terrible. I need chemistry to do medicine and considering i fucked that exam, I was having serious worries about my future career. I bought some alcohol and decided to go out with my friends and get drunk at a museum to cheer us up. It was fun, I honestly had a great time. But I was getting thoughts like “This has been such a good day. You should end your life on a high point.” I was telling my friends this but I think they were either too drunk too care or thought I wasn’t being serious. We went back to my other friend’s house and they immediately clocked I wasn’t ok. At first, I didn’t want to say my true feelings because I didn’t want to be that person who breaks down when everyone’s trying to have a good time. But they kept probing and I told them. I was feeling shit. I was 100% going to kill myself; no one was going to convince me otherwise.

I then got a text from her. It said we need to talk about us. I felt emotionally sick. You know that feeling when you feel like you’ve reached rock bottom and nothing can possibly be worse than this – and then it gets worse? I passed the phone to my friends and let them deal with it. She said something like she wasn’t in the right state of mind for a relationship and that we should break up. Now this came from literally nowhere. Just a couple of days ago, we had an english exam and she was the happiest I’ve ever seen her and was hugging me and being affectionate etc etc. My friends were trying to console me but I needed to hear her say this. I thought that maybe she was dehumanising me and that maybe hearing my voice would make me realise I was a person with feelings?? I went to my friend’s bedroom alone and rang her. She said she was having some problems, some medical problems, that were too personal to tell me about. She didn’t really give me a proper explanation aside from that and so I hung up because I didn’t want her to me cry. I was almost crying when I said “I guess I’ll see you around.” I then proceeded to have a really bad panic attack. My friend came in and tried to calm me down and suggested that I should go back downstairs with the others. I stopped crying and just tried to have a bit of fun but obviously it wasn’t genuine. I told my mum what had happened and she came to pick me up.

These past eleven weeks have been a huge emotional roller coaster and I’m still very suicidal. I thought this week of having no exams would mean I could smash my next ones but I can’t study when I have this huge desire to die. I’m just done with life. I’m too emotional to exist. I take everything to heart and in this world, you need to be cold and tough. But that’s just not me. I know because of what’s happened I’m going to fuck up my exams. I’ve emailed the student progress person at school to tell her what’s going on, because she could give me extenuating circumstances. If that happens, they give you your mock grades and mine are excellent so that would be great. I can’t deal with school now or people or life tbh. Two days ago, I was so suicidal, I wanted to be hospitalised. Now I’m less but I think it’s only going to get worse. I’m going to school on Tuesday for a revision session and I think I might talk to my tutor if things haven’t got better. The exam boards really aren’t lenient but if I tell my teachers I’m suicidal I might get helped. Only thing is, I don’t really want my teachers/parents knowing. idk I’ve pushed my friends all away but I think it’s time to ask for their help in what to do. Hopefully I’ll get better but… when does that ever happen?

Sunday

I’m writing here again because I need some grounding and reinforcement of what I want to achieve. I’m going to write it all down so I can come back here when I feel I’m slipling. Hopefully it will break me out of any haze/depression I might have fallen into and bring me back to reality. Remind me why I keep on keeping on.

1. You will be so much happier once you have lost weight.

2. You can do these exams and you will do well, so go work. 

3.You don’t care about what anyone else thinks. Fuck them. You’re doing this for you. No one else. 

4.Push everyone else away. It’s easier to dehumanize them. They take up too much time.

I think thats about it. I’ve just had a total breakdown for the past two weeks. It’s been the longest depression I’ve had in a while but I’ve come out of it. I’m now able to reflect and see that I really let myself go and that was damaging everything. 

It’s back to business, boys. And it feels good.